dependence

Despite everything going on in life, as hectic and nonstop as it seems, i’m just seeking a heart and faith of a child.  A child knows that it is dependent on its parents for survival and is willing to receive the protection, care and love from them.  How much more do we need that sort of dependence on our heavenly Father?  I saw a documentary of people in Mozambique, one of the poorest countries in the world,  and how God’s revival has been rising there.  I specifically remember how joyful the children there were.  It was genuine happiness because they have been depending solely on God in literally every aspect of life.  Imagine being in an environment where all you ever grew up with and known was Christ.  No television, video games, cars, houses with everyday appliances and such, easily assessable food and water,  computers, internet, money, and all the material things we have these days.  Imagine how our faith and dependence on Christ would be.  If all we had was a TRUE dependence on Christ in life rather than having all the comforts the world offers.  That is something i really want to experience and desire.  But the good thing is, we can experience that even in the US.  It’s all in the bible: To deny our old man and put on the new, to be renewed and transformed daily, to reject the world and love God with our whole hearts, to depend on Him for our daily needs (even though it’s hard to do), and so much more.  In 1 John 2:6 it says, “for those who claim to live in Him must walk as Jesus did.”  There is no option, either you’re for or against Him.  Jesus was full of humility, love, and servant-hood while on earth, and suffered for us, yet we just want to make sure we have fun while we’re still here.  Does it matter to us about God’s kingdom in our hearts?  Does it matter to us that the church (the bride) is probably being more influenced by the world than by God Himself?  Are we going to keep letting sin take a hold of our lives or are we going to do something about it?  Just things to think about.  Having the heart and faith of a child, so simple yet so crucial and powerful…

Not too sure what to write about here.  Haven’t really had anything new or exciting going on.  Another year’s gone by and I haven’t really gotten anywhere.  I see friends going to various grad schools, working, moving on with their lives and here I am still struggling to get out of school.  I should learn a thing or two about sacrifice.  Nothing comes easy but it’ll be even harder for me to achieve anything from now on.  Maybe I care too much about helping others that I don’t take time to attend to my own needs.  Afterall, I rarely or almost never ask for any favors from those around me, yet I’m willing give time and drop everything to help them, even with a small favor or situation.  Even my parents don’t understand me and why I am the way I am.  They tell me to focus and not to waste so much time in responding to people, and I myself know it will affect me in some way good or bad, but I still choose to do so because it’s in my nature to care or help.  These past 4.5 years have been such a waste and full of failure, yet I’ve grown and gained more spiritually.  Kind of weird huh?  I know a lazy person cannot be used effectively by God, only by working hard and glorifying Him through it can He use you more.  Though these almost 5 years have felt worthless and full of guilt and failures, somehow I know it’s a long lesson for me.  Even in feeling like nothing’s happened in your life, when you have been losing your battles, or having a lot of weight on your shoulders, one thing is for sure.  God was always there.  As cliche as it sounds, it’s the truth and you need to believe it.  He’s shown me that despite all this, He’s been the same loving and forgiving Father since the beginning and to the end.  That when the things in life have failed you, or you yourself have failed, He doesn’t and never fails you.  We need to remember that just because we are in a tough situation and pray for help and guidance, God may not take that situation away, but will be there to get you through it.  Afterwards it will make us more impregnable to the enemy and this age and at the end of it all, God will be glorified from it.  There’s a quote that goes something like, “there’s nothing in this life that you can do, that will take away glory from God.”  He will be glorified either through your faithfulness or at the end of times when the wicked, along with satan, are being punished and all will see Christ.

Again, as oversaid and as old as it sounds, prayer and dwelling in His God-breathed scriptures are so crucial.  By getting deeper into His Word, the Bible, we will understand more of what the will of God is.  It’s all in there, yet we still strive to be that “perfect” Christian or believer and that’s what is making the rest of the world feel the way they do about Christians.  There cannot be action without knowing the Word and Christ Himself.  The first question I want to ask is whether or not we fear God.  You can go read the book of Proverbs and see how fear of the Lord is in fact a good thing.  It is not intended for us to be in terror of Him because in Romans 8:15 He told us, “For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, ‘Abba, Father.” Fear of the Lord is a form of attitude of respect and discipline in not wanting to displease Him.  It’s about love, thankfulness, giving Him the first place in our lives, etc.  In Proverbs, it gives us a list of benefits in fearing the Lord that include: the beginning of knowledge, a hatred for sin, a prolonging of our days, confidence, contentment, well guarded heart, and strength against the wicked.  We always say we want to grow intimate with God and have that kind of relationship, but never stress fearing Him.  Fearing God and growing intimate with Him go hand-in-hand.  The more you fear Christ and start to gain those benefits that come with it, the more intimate you’ll be with Him.  The more you’ll hate your old ways and sin, the more you will be able to discern, the more you will want to change.  Vice versa, the more you are intimate with Christ, the more you will start to fear and not want to displease Him.  When we are praying or reading, really take the time to do it with your whole heart and be genuine.  We are talking, gaining, and living for the mighty God of the universe, our Lord and Savior.  Lets at least show some respect in coming on time to meetings or gatherings and making it ONLY about Him and nothing or noone else =P

Didn’t mean to go on for so long after saying I had nothing to say and starting off kind of down and slow.  Praise God He was glorified tonight even through my typing this blog.  Again, I speak to myself with all this as well.  Just another reminder to me and others who may be reading this.  Peace.

I think I’m at the point where I’m feeling what a lot of past seniors/super seniors have felt toward the end of their college years.  Some had gone tired from serving in the past few years, while others are just trying to get a move on their life beyond college into the working world.  I think I’m in the middle of these two extremes, just that feeling of leaving it all behind and moving on with what I must do, as in getting a start on a new chapter in my life.  I’m not saying I’ve gone dry or have run out of that desire to serve in CCF, but at that stage of trying to let it go and move on with where God is taking me.  I have been keeping to myself more lately for some reason.  I’ve been reminded at how much of a sinner I am.  Though it feels as if my prayers for correction and change aren’t being answered after all this time, I know Christ will redeem that somehow.  I’m tired of being a sinner yet that is what we are at this point until God comes to reunite with us.  All I can do at this time is to continue to ask for forgiveness and to be renewed daily.    Lord i want to love You more.  I desire change.

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RIP.
You were someone I will never forget, and I really mean that.  Thank you for being such a positive influence in my childhood.  Though you may not have noticed, through my eyes you were so full of joy and desire for Christ.  Just seeing your walk in life was an amazing testimony in itself as to how great and loving our Father is.  Hearing your prayers, though I didn’t understand some of it at my age, was so powerful.  Though at the time I didn’t know Christ in a direct way, your prayers and joyfulness when you saw me and my family were so uplifting and brought a warm and peaceful feeling to all.  Your many blessed years on earth were really appreciated and can never be replaced.  Though I do feel the sadness that comes with your passing, you are with your heavenly Father and Savior at last.  I can only feel happiness that your life was well spent in servant-hood and love, that you are with the One that gave life to you.  Again, thank you and glory to God.

Frustration

Man, it’s getting so frustrating and sad.  God, wake us up from the blindness we have of Your kingdom and the true reality.  We’ve become so numb to sin, thinking that we’re going to be just fine the way we’re living when the truth is we won’t be.  i ask that You be genuinely real to us, that we would really fear You again and stop pleasing our flesh.  i confess i fall short every moment and i am truly thankful for Your love and mercy on me.  Continue to mold me day by day.  What David Wilkerson said in his sermon on “Anguish” was true, that we’ve become hateful to reproof and correction.  When a brother or sister is correcting us out of love, we turn it around and ask why he or she is judging us, that we are human and not perfect, etc.  If that’s the case, is there an effort and desire to seek more and pray?  What frustrates me and many who are seeing, is the fact that we can’t teach or tell people the “unsugar-coated” truth.  That if they do not strive for true relationship with God, He is not going to use us until we do…and what’s sad is that we don’t.  It’s true, the more we pray/seek/desire Him, the more He is going to show us His heart and the more we will be used by Him, the more we will stand firm in faith, the more we will want more of Christ.  There is so much to be done still, and i hope we can really snap out of our lukewarmness, blindness to reality, and numbness to sin and really go after what’s real, what’s good, and what our salvation and true purpose is.  i am not perfect to these things either, and nobody will really ever be, but what separates christians are the ones who are faithful and see how real God is and those who are just going with the flow, having one foot for God and the other in the world with no fear in sinning.  Again, i want to say this out of love, that we need to wake up to the true reality of Christ’s kingdom.

Appreciation

God, i know it’s cause You love us and that we can never comprehend the ways You work, but i just wonder why You did all that You’ve done and what You are doing to this day.  You could’ve prevented adam and eve from falling into sin but it was Your love in giving them free will to make their choices.  You didn’t have to come down to earth to live as one of us, but You did so to serve and show how much You care and love us, despite our unworthy conditions.  You didn’t need to use anybody to spread Your gospel, You could’ve done that with a single breath, yet You allow the weak to lead the strong.  You could’ve let mankind suffer eternal punishment, yet Your death on the cross redeemed us from that.  You could also have wiped out all creation and started all over if You wanted to, but Your plan is perfect and You are faithful to the end.  You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  Our redemption is worth so much and we take it for granted.  We turn our backs from You constantly, yet You never leave our side.  Time and time again You pick us up when we fall, yet when it happens again we forget who You are and fall away thinking we can do it on our own strength.  The generation has lost fear in You and have grown too comfortable with life.  There’s so much that needs to be done yet we haven’t really awakened to that reality.  God…break us…break me more so that i can hunger and seek more of Your heart’s desire.  Keep this generation a prayerful one, starting with our fellowships/whoever’s around us.  Reality is, You really don’t need us at all.  You can fix the craziness of the world with just a snap.  But You are merciful, full of grace and infinite love and patience.  Thank You that You have secured a way for us, so that we wouldn’t need to suffer for eternity, but be with You in heaven.  There is truly no one like You.  A powerful almighty God who chooses to love and want to be with us who are just dirt compared to Him.  In His eyes we are still beautiful and that’s how unexplainable God is.  How can we not love Him and want to be with Him?  May You continue to unify Your church and prepare us day by day.  We belong to You and await the day You take us back home…

Another Time Waster I Got Tagged In…sigh

Are you ready for some questions that you barely find in other surveys?
meh…

You’re locked in a room with the person you last kissed, any problems?
pshhh

Do you walk around the house in your underwear?
only when there’s people around.

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
surgery is for the weak.

Have you ever caught a fish?
yes! i got two on the same day!

Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie?
I did and they didn’t survive.

What was the last beverage you had?
Water.

When did you laugh last?
when something was funny that made me laugh.

Are you someone who worries too often?
No, just when others that are close to me worry too much or overreact to things will some of that burden me, but I can take it.

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?
yes, I just did.

Did you wake up before 8 am today?
almost…at 11…which is still close.

Do you wear eyeliner?
no

Do you get mad easily?
Nope.  I get frustrated/irritated with inconsiderate people or friends.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
sure, with numerous things, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a man.  true men know when to be pride-less.

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
yes, heard it since high school.

How do you feel about your hair right now?
i like it. don’t have to worry about how it looks.

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?
mm same floor but i hope not same bed =O

Has anyone ever borrowed anything from you and never returned it?
all the time.  i wonder why i keep letting people borrow things i know won’t be returned.

Truth or dare always turns sexual, doesn’t it?
so far the people i’ve played with have kept it clean but it still gets asian crazy like swallowing hot sauce mixed with other things, or going outside and making a fool out of yourself, etc. not too bad right?

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
In high school…and I did =O

Is there anyone who doesn’t like you?
Of course, I doubt everyone I meet or have met will like me.

Do you think that you have made a difference in someone’s life?
until i see changes in that person’s lifestyle then sure, but i don’t take credit for it.  it was ultimately their decision to change.

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?
not too fast not too slow.

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
not yet.

Where is your best friend right now?
sleeping?

Can you honestly say that you’re okay right now?
no. but i don’t have to worry about it cause God’s in me.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
yea

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms?
not really, i guess when i was a baby in my parent’s arms?

Do you find it difficult to sleep on your stomach?
no

Is there someone you will never forget?
yea

Has anyone told you they loved you in the last week?
no, i’ve never gotten that from anyone, just jokingly.

Last time you were on the phone?
Just now.

How many pillows are on your bed?
One

What’s the longest you’ve ever talked on the phone?
i think 3 hours or so?

First person you tell your problems to?
doesn’t matter cause i end up in God’s mercy every time.

What are you wearing?
shirt/shorts…typical outfit of willis

Would you pay someone to kill the last person who hurt you most?
no, i’d do it myself >=D

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
mm what’s there to understand?  it’s just me.

Do you want to fix anything with anyone?
i could but i don’t really have problems with anyone so far.

Have you ever had a girl best friend?
Not really, but there are some good friends that are girls.

What are you currently listening to?
Ginuwine “My Last Chance”

What do you think about when you are falling asleep?
so many random things.

If you walk by a mirror, do you stare at yourself?
only if i must see if someone’s sneaking up on me.

Do you like cottage cheese?
yes, it’s good with fruits

Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
no. i don’t think it’d be fun haha.

Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
mmm no.

Is your hair curly?
it gets wavy/curly when it’s long but right now no.

Last time you cried?
at a prayer meeting and retreat

Ever walked into a wall?
no but i’ve run into a tree ><

Do looks matter?
i think it does to a certain extent, but it’s not gonna tell everything about the person.  but for me there needs to be some outward attraction but if she’s in love and seeking god, that is most attractive, no joke.

Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
no, my stuff come from sports stores or…khol’s ><

Have you ever slapped someone?
just when playing around.

Do you own something from Hot Topic?
no

Ever been on a train?
not a real one, just metro.

If given a drug test right now, could you pass?
yea

Do you think anyone’s thinking about you right now?
i don’t know, probably not.

Is it usually easy for someone to make you smile?
usually yes.

Is your room ever clean?
if i don’t get lazy

How often do you give out second chances?
all the time.

Is there anyone you wish you could be spending time with right now?
friends in the west coast

If you could change your eye color would you?
i don’t know gray?

Would you ever get your nipples pierced?
that’s just wrong

Did you sleep alone last night?
Yes.

Has a boy/girl ever called you babe/baby?
yea

Does the last person you held hands with mean a lot to you?
don’t do it much except in activities involving hand holding so i guess not.

Will you cry at your wedding?
probably…jk…or not =O

Do you think relationships are even worth it?
it is if it’s for real and not just a fling or whatever.

Six months ago, did you like someone?
i think i was getting over it

Is tomorrow going to be a good day?
too early to tell but sure

Last movie you saw in theaters?
Zombieland.

Ever dated a blond-haired, blue-eyed person?
no

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
no

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
late 20’s into 30’s?

What is something your friends make fun of you for?
everything

Are you a bad influence?
maybe

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
mm not at the moment

What was the last thing you hid?
myself…to scare people.

Who is the first person you would call if you needed help?
depends on what kind of help.  -fighting: MP
-someone to talk to: anyone
-financial: parents but only as very last resort.

Who is the last person you went out to eat with?
Been eating in mostly.

Do you find the opposite sex confusing?
sure

Who did you last pinky promise with?
nobody

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?
i gotta pee.

What is something you disliked about today?
woke up with a sore dry throat.

Status of you and the last person to send you a text?
the Joo…she’s my homie.

Will you be in a relationship in the next month?
never

Do you ever wonder if the person standing next to you is a virgin or not?
no

If you were going to die in 10 seconds, what would be the last thing you said?
FREEDDOOMMMMM

Did you know anybody that has committed suicide?
yes, a couple.

Who do you go to for advice the most?
nobody really, about the same with everyone.

Abusive relationship: leave him/her or keep it a secret?
man, if i was getting abused that would be sad…but yes i’d leave it.

Can money buy happiness?
never

Do you think women should work or stay at home?
work some stay at home some, doesn’t matter for me.

What is the worst thing or most annoying thing to happen to you today?
Feeling a little sick is super annoying.

Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe?
mm not really.  i feel safer alone.

Did you kiss anyone today?
no

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it?
yes

How many people do you 100% trust?
very few.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
nah

What do you think of guys who have girlfriends, but let other girls wear their hoodies?
depends on the situation.  if the girl has absolutely no other way of keeping warm then it’d be fine.  if not then i’d say no.

Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship?
no, they’re off limits.

If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you?
sure i don’t care, cause i would most likely never find out cause i’m bad at telling these things.

Do you think that you’re a good person?
only certain aspects of me.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
not sure, never had that experience.

Do you hate the last girl you were texting?
of course not

What was on your mind mostly today?
when i’ll hear back from the millions of jobs i’ve applied to this summer.

Do you miss anyone?
not really.

Do you like winter time?
yes

Did you ever lose a best friend?
not yet

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
yes

Are your toe nails painted pink?
no

last message was from?
annah

Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?
mm maybe…pretty close.

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
yes

Are you hungry for anything?
not yet

On average, how many times do you hit the snooze button in the morning?
maybe twice?

Has anybody ever given you butterflies?
no

What did you go to bed thinking about last night?
hope i don’t get sick tomorrow.

Do you ignore people when you’re mad/upset with them?
not too much.

Joanne got me!

1. Where is your cell phone? Next to my bed.

2. Your hair? Is finally short again.

3. Your mother? back at home

4. Your father? back at home

5. Your favorite food? Everything

6. Your dream last night? I don’t remember but recent ones have had people I know.

7. Your favorite drink? Milk, Water

8. Your dream/goal? To be saving lives, whatever it takes.

9. What room are you in? My room.

10. Your hobby? guitar, piano, listening/pirating music, basketball and other sports, lifting, movies, drawing, etc.

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Preparing for missions, wherever it may be.

13. Where were you last night? foxridge then terrace view.

14. Something that you aren’t? a girl.

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. Wish list item? a smarter brain.

17. Where did you grow up? falls church/centreville/herndon

18. Last thing you did? ate and did this.

19. What are you wearing? shorts, t-shirt, hoodie.

20. Your TV? old.

21. Your pets? dog and bunny.

22. Friends? good.

23. Your life? peaceful and enjoying the little things.

24. Your mood? good.

25. Missing someone? no.

26. Vehicle? whatever runs and saves gas.  right now i have a corolla.

27. Something you’re not wearing? girly stuff.

28. Your favorite store? sports stores, pet stores, anywhere that seems adventurous.

29. Your favorite color? blue or gray or black or some dark color.

30. When was the last time you laughed? just now.

31. Last time you cried? recently after praying.

32. Your best friend? I’d say Mike.  He always sacrifices for me, I mean always.

33. One place that I go to over and over? There’s no set place I go to all the time.  I don’t hang out with the same group of people either.  So i am a nomad =O

34. One person who emails me regularly? Nobody really.

35. Favorite place to eat? Anywhere that is filling enough and at a good price.

Power of Prayer

I am reminded that there’s still SO many things to be praying for these days…It truly would take a lifetime to do and there would still be more to pray about afterwards.  For real, the more we pray the more God’s gonna show His heart to us and we realize, “wow there’s so much that needs to be done.”  When things seem to be going into chaos, or when we feel there’s things we want to change but can’t be in control over, being faithful in prayer is the most crucial and most powerful way of interceding.  We tend to forget the power of prayer cause we want results quickly and swiftly instead of remembering it is in God’s timing, and that makes us fall away from a true prayer life.  Not getting what WE want and not being still and patient with God has made our prayers worthless and powerless.  Time and time again we cease to pray or get frustrated after not hearing or getting an answer at our convenience.  Of course there are a good number who have been so faithful in having patience and waiting on God, but what would happen if we all did this?  Imagine every individual having that prayerful life, how so much more can be done for Christ’s kingdom.  I’m getting a little extreme but I have such a hope in God that He will do awesome things just with the prayers of a few faithful servants.  Our hope is not in ourselves, not in others, not in our fellowships, but God Himself.  To see people give up in the fellowship they are involved in after seeing no results is truly a disappointment to me because they aren’t seeing the bigger picture, that their hope shouldn’t be the fellowship but in God and His will being done within it.  Hoping and trusting in a group of people will never suffice, but doing so in Christ will we always come through because He is victorious in us.  I truly believe being behind the scenes and praying whole-heatedly is the most influential way of serving in the body of Christ.  It is not about being in the front or about being that perfect leader.  Instead, we must be more open to reproof and correction from one another but more so from God.   Wow, I am getting a taste of how wonderful it is to be bearing the burdens of prayer, even though it really isn’t.  It’s a blessing.  Keep the faith alive!

whatever.

I’m not gonna care anymore.  I’ve done my part already so now all I can do is learn to trust and pray.  Being frustrated and such isn’t going to help.  I’m done trying to give advice and hoping it’d be followed or listened to cause as of now it doesn’t seem like it will any time soon.  I just hope you make the right decisions cause that’s all I can do now is to trust your judgments and see how things will work out.  Just know that if you are hurt in anyway, I will be there to comfort or to come down on whatever or whoever did it to you…you have my word.

And God, I need Your peace right now.  Thank You.

My mom told me last night that one of my younger cousins dropped out of school and left his family in Taiwan to go to New York, just as his oldest brother did.  Where he is I have no idea, I don’t even know where my oldest cousin (his brother) is either.  I just hope he is gonna be alright because his English is not that great coming from Taiwan and on top of that, he’s been sort of a loner for most of his life, not having many close friends.  All I can do is pray that there will be good people there that will help and who knows, introduce Christ to him?  This semester for me really seems to be about family doesn’t it?  I never knew I had it in me to care THIS much but I think it’s getting to that age now.  No matter how hard things get, i still put my faith and trust in You, no matter the outcome…